Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Movie Deals


When she gets a movie deal out of her boring memoir, she's going to use this song to lead up to the emotional climax where she realizes all she really wants is more out of life--she wants to really live and feel and be part of this world, and that the quirky young man she met on the subway might really be the only man for her, and maybe they should just get married to each other, and that's when she'll know, really know, that everything is going to turn out OK.

Alli wishes she could have talked to pets when she got her period

Alli's special talent when she menstruates is that she cries a lot and gets fatter than usual.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Alli, stop sun-bathing in Montauk

I know, I know, you just loved Eternal Sunshine so much you spend all your time there, but seriously. Nude sunbathing is SO LAST YEAR. You're scaring the children, Alli:

Drew Makes PSAs

That's true!

Wow! I'm inspired!

Thank you, Drew!

our wordle.

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Alli lives every week like its Shark Week

Ryan "No Friend of the Sea" Crest gives the Discovery Channel a run for its money.

This doesn't really pertain to Alli except in the sense that she made up that joke about Ryan's name. Do you know what that means you guys? It means she CAN be funny, she just chooses not to be.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Drew, defined

Drew, defined.

Alli is the worst driver

yo Alli,
head's up, fyi, no offense but usually it's the hot tranny mess actresses that run over regular civilians on their bicycles (remember last week?), not the other way around.

Good job running over Lindsay Lohan right when she was totally sobering up and becoming a lesbian. What, couldn't stand a little competition (ur gay)?

It was either you or Shia driving, I couldn't really tell because you both look like 13 year old boys with terrible dye-jobs.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Congratulations, Drew!

Your new child will bring joy into your heart for years to come, until you abandon her so you can move to California to realize your dreams of becoming an "actress." (Don't let anyone tell you a little social "lubrication" won't help you get ahead!)

I get it now! You weren't fat, you were pregnant!

Friday, July 25, 2008

Alli stop terrifying people with your terrible visage:

Tim and Eric yo.....Alli probably doesn't think it's funny because it's not a cartoon in the "New Yorker"

Meet Drew

This is an interview with Drew.

Alli K is responsible for all Robocop sequels except the new one

Or perhaps ESPECIALLY the new one, depending on how much faith you still have in Darren Aronofsky.

Alli probably loved the Robocop sequels by default because she thinks anything Frank Miller touches turns into penises that cum gold bars. Gross. She is probably looking forward to that sequel of "300".

This is ALLI:

Thursday, July 24, 2008

It's Because of my Lady Parts

The Daily News says that we have frenemies because we are women, but Jezebel says it's it's only natural and healthy to have people you hate.

Here that, Drew? I'm a woman, not a boy. The Daily News says so.

And anyway, I'm just trying to avoid the beat-down life and live in a drama-free world.

We are both so smart/We are both so dumb

Sometimes talking to Drew makes me feel dumber. Sometimes talking to Drew makes me feel smarter.

alli k.: Hey did you ever read James Wood's review of white teeth?
Drew: no i keep confusing him for james woods
alli k.: me too
Drew: who is a MENSA member
and like the smartest guy in hollywood


Drew! What are you going to do! They're outlawing emo in Russia, the only place where men will accept you for your fat-headed, cold-hearted self!

Now you will be alone forever.

Yo Alli why do you hate mustard so much?

From Smoking Gun:
According to Utah cops, ALLI K was behind the wheel last month when a car pulled up to his SUV at an intersection. After gesturing to the 22-year-old ALLI K to roll down his window, passenger Stephen Cox asked, "Excuse me, sir, do you have any Grey Poupon?" ALLI K responded, police charge, by pulling a handgun from his glove compartment, cocking the weapon, and leveling it at the prankster's auto. "Here's your Grey Poupon, roll your f***ing windows up," ALLI K said, according to a probable cause affidavit.

Man Alli K, you are a bucking fitch if you can't take a joke. Which I know you can't.

Just Replace "Lemon Warheads" With Dicks

And you have Drew.

Alli thinks that everyone (anyone) cares what she does

It's now officially called "The Truman Show Delusion" and it's going to be the hot new fad in the psych world for about all of five minutes before we realize it affects .00001 percent of the population and is also known as "attack of the crazies."

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Alli has a mashed-potato face

David Carr (probably!) said so.

Drew Has Never Read a Book

Drew is like these people, who have not read particular important books:

Drew, like these people, is also very boring.

Unlike these people, Drew will never publish a book because Drew is illiterate.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Drew is ...

as irritating as the new facebook.

Alli loves small animals

as much as the women in Peru during the Guinea Pig Festival




Drew Lives in the "super-cool-kids-ghetto"

Ha, if anyone wants to stalk Drew (why? why would they want to?) this is where she lives.

Alli killed off the good Golden Girl

Estelle Getty dies at age 84

She played Bea Arthur's mom on "Golden Girls", although Bea is in fact two years older than her.

RIP, Sweet Estelle

Someone's a Little Stressed Out, Don't You Think?

Drew?! Drew, are you ok? You seem stressed out. All that being slutty and stuff has sort of caught up with you. Also, you look like you might be like 10,000 years old.

I saw that you've been firing people, Drew. And that you cheated on your man. With a fucking Yankee. Rly?

And now, oh god, hanging out with Gweneth Paltrow.

She's like half your age. Are you having sex with her and Dennis Rodman in some unholy threesome of gross? I bet you are, you nut-job.

I think it's about time for you to take a Kabbalah vacation.

Alli's mother deserves a better class of child

Did I ever mention how Alli's family looks NOTHING like her? I don't like to go around throwing terms out like "adoption" and "unwanted child of satan and steve buscemi" around, but you know what they say....
What they say is, if you have the number one movie in the world that is currently making more money than anything ever, you need to go home pronto and beat the shit out of your mom and sister. That's what Batman did, and I am sure Alli is going to take it to heart.


Monday, July 21, 2008

Alli is Maury Povich in these scenarios

(Start watching each video approx. one-two minutes in)

Drew is Oasis

(I am Jay Z)

Is "Alli" really DMX in disguise?

Could be, since the hip-hop artist was recently arrested in Phoenix, not for gun charges, not for possession charges, but for stealing someone's identity to get out of paying a hospital bill.
That got me do I know that Alli is really Alli and not someone much cooler than Alli?
The similarities are startling:
-DMX's real name is Earl Simmons. Alli loves to sweat to the oldies with Richard Simmons.
-DMX is from Baltimore, Alli loves to talk through episodes of "The Wire" like she knows shit (she doesn't. Know Shit)
-DMX was arrested for animal cruelty charges, I know for a fact that Alli neglects her pussy (zing? gross)

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Alli does something right for once

Alli's last post was so perfect because I too, was in the middle of drawing comparisons between her awfulness and the shitshow that is n+1 and Gawker. See how Alli mentioned "Keith Gessen, a man I don't know but hate maybe even more than I hate Drew" but will deny knowledge of ever having read "Sad, Literary, Young, Pretentious Douchebags, blah, blah blaaaaaah." Whatever, Alli, you remind me of this story about a 20 something (or younger?) girl that moves to New York to be involved in the NY media scene, but then leaves for Paris when everyone turns out to be a cluster-fuck of frenemies and leches and ass-kissers. Alli is all of those things to me, but most importantly she is a hypocrite, and would like to fancy herself "too good" for New York, when in reality she's just can't cut it in a city that isn't something other than a butt of a joke on FX. Yay Alli!

On Hatred

I hate Drew. I don't want anyone for even a second to think that I don't hate Drew, but my cold hard was warmed by this Gawker story, involving Keith Gessen, a man I don't know but hate maybe even more than I hate Drew (Why do people write boring books? Why do they get famous for it?), the Gawker staff, a bunch of charities, and some guy who hangs out with the Gawker staff. Oh god I'm being boring. I've been spending too much time talking to Drew. Anyway, I liked this:

The outcome of our saga: An $890 donation to the New York Homeless Coaliton; The opportunity for even more charity, if Krucoff is able to convince the small, effete sliver of New York society that would actually desire to own this obscure volume to come out to a soup kitchen benefit next week; And, most importantly, an odd and short-lived sense of unity among fake enemies on the fake internet arguing about fake writing and stuff, which is how we sum up the culture war.

Never again say that Keith Gessen hasn't accomplished something good.

It reminded me of the time Drew let me have an orange soda, let me pay her, then told me it was "on the house" and pocketed the tip. For a moment, it was almost as though she had done something good and sweet.

It also reminds me of how boring and similar I find Keith Gessen and Drew*, and how Drew's only hope for fame and fortune is that somewhere there are a coupla douchebags that like how boring she is.

*Note: Part of Keith Gessen's ability to be famous is that he went to Harvard. Drew couldn't even figure out how to get to Boston.

Alli is (Dr.) Horrible

Yeah, whatever. I don't have much to go on here.
Drew: so hey what do you think of musicals?
Alli: I'm pro
I haven't seen Dr. Horrible yet
drew: damn it
i was going to use your negative attitude as jumping point to link to Dr. Horrible in the blog
oh well
Alli: ?


Drew Gives Cooking Advice

Drew gives good cooking advice.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Drew is a Lame and Boring Villain Who Will Lose in the End

Drew is Obadiah Stane, a dumber, fatter, more evil version of Tony Stark who is, of course SPOILER ALERT destroyed by Tony Stark in the Iron Man movie.

In this analogy, I am Tony Stark.

Alli Katz is like the deaf chick in "The Company of Men"

she talks like a dolphin and SPOILER ALERT: Aaron Eckhart is just dating her as a joke.

Drew Makes People Uncomfortable/Drew is a Slut


Drew told everyone waiting in line "Isn't it a shame about Harvey Dent," which isn't a spoiler but is almost a spoiler and MAKES EVERYONE UNCOMFORTABLE, DREW.

Then she spent the whole movie blowing every 14-year-old boy in the theater, including the ones with girlfriends, because she's a homewrecker and she ruins everyone's good time.

Someone turn on the spoiler alert signal!

Alli spent the entirety of The Dark Knight looking at Heath Ledger's face and announcing loudly "HE DIED IN REAL LIFE GUYS!"

Who is Drew?

Drew is this guy (blurry. With the gun. In the back.):

He dies.

I (don't) believe in Alli K.

Is Alli an Eckhart-throb? Probably not, but bitch is certainly two-faced.

Is Drew Batman?


Thursday, July 17, 2008

Alli is the rotting corpse in the shed of the hipster's pool

A badly decomposed body that has apparently been there "for several months" was found in the shed of McCarren pool today. This was right after a screening of "The Virigin Suicides" and now all the hipsters are probably really sad because the DJ Shadow show this weekend might be canceled.
Similarly, Alli was a total buzzkill at our college, which was like a giant McCarren pool party in the middle of Ohio. Plus, every time you'd get a whiff of her you'd be like "that's funny I smell a decomposing body" and then you'd blanch because it would turn out that Alli and her decrepit cooz were right behind you.

PS- Alli, the website for McCarren Pool is totally your team.

Looks Like Drew: Is Smarter Than Drew, Episode 1

This hamster looks like Drew (Drew looks like a fat mouse), but is clearly smarter than Drew:

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Drew, the Political "Ass"et

I'm much smarter than Drew. I am also more attractive and more successful (except when she, through her whorishness and stupidity, makes my success impossible).

Drew is the Jesse Jackson to my Obama:

The Bill Clinton to my Hillary:

The John McCain to my John McCain:

But it is unlikely Drew will understand what I'm saying, as 1) She is dumb and 2) The instant she sees or hears her own name, she is reminded of her own tenuous existence and is compelled to take 30 pictures of herself.

Alli Dick

Ugh, Andy Dick. No one is surprised that he gets nabbed for doing something skeezy, but there is definitely a little bit of shock that he was caught with an underage girl. I mean come on, who really thought Dick didn't like dick?

Alli sometimes reminds me of Andy Dick. I was shocked when I once caught Alli in the arms of another man (MY MAN) since she spent so much time calling me a whore that I just assumed that any display of normal sexuality scared her back to her Slater-Kinney hole. Like Andy, Alli's surprise foray into heterosexuality was painful, hilarious, and not a little bit nauseating to imagine.

Alli is a useless invention

Alli K is like that time 20 minutes ago that my mom called and asked me if she should get a hybrid bicycle:

Alli is just as baffling and annoying as a question about whether you should make something hybrid when it's not a car.

Aaron Burr Won the Duel, but Hamilton's on Money

Aaron Burr was a little crybaby bitch who was always crying about what a hard time Hamilton gave him, and was all like, "Hamilton is such a cocksucker and he's always mean to me I'm going to shoot him in the fucking face."

Then Burr shot Hamilton in the face, and Hamilton died, but now people only remember Burr as the guy who shot Hamilton, while people remember that Hamilton is on cash money.

Drew, the fucking little crybaby bitch who's always crying about what I hard time I give her might try kill me, but then she'll only be remembered as a little crybaby bitch and I'll be remembered as the badass who was like, shut the fuck up, and then I will win the duel anyway and she'll be dead and forgotten.

Happy History day at Dopplehaters!

This video reminds me of the relationship Alli and I have. Not just because she is always repressing me and making me act like her SLAVE, but also because I am a trim, beautiful black woman and Alli starred in "Foot Fist Way" as this guy:

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

I've finally figured out why ALLI is such a mean, heinous bitch

My friend, The Underminer cleared it all up for me when he ran into Alli on the street recently:
But I have to say, I am so glad I am not single these days. It looks so hard! It's unfair for someone so nice and standard as you. With your new hairdo.

Yeah, of course it's a stupid holiday, but you know, if I can level with you as a friend from back in the day, you should drop the whole "I'm so tortured" act. Leave it for, like, Jack White. It's time for you to see how much we all need love. Because once you welcome it, it'll happen, but of course happen when you least expect it, so you shouldn't, like, beg for it. You should just be more relaxed about the whole thing. Huh, I remember during that fateful "combo" night, you were screaming "Fuck everyone, I hate love!" remember? It was right after you were on the floor saying "Goo goo, gah gah I'm a baby in a diaper" and right before you ran into the bathroom and puked all over Marc Jacobs.

Awww Alli! It's okay! You'll grow out of that haircut! Or not! Either way we still love you!


Dear Abby

Drew has taken to writing to hack newspaper advice columnists to badmouth me:

My boyfriend, "Scott," and I are writers, although we both have day jobs. During the two years we've been together, we have always supported each other's writing careers.

Things changed after my first novel was published. While initially congratulatory, Scott's behavior was different as the publication date neared. He declined to help my friend throw me a party. When I spotted my book on the shelf of a bookstore for the first time, he chided me to keep my voice down. My novel has now been out for months, but he still hasn't read it. (I gave him one of my free copies.)

Scott is a talented writer. He has been published in literary magazines, but hasn't yet published a book. I sympathize with his jealousy and have tried to keep talk of my novel to a minimum. But I'm troubled by Scott's refusal to participate in this exciting period of my life ... Abby, what gives?
What Drew leaves out is that I'm not her boyfriend or even actually a boy, and that photocopying a long account of her extraordinarily boring loss-of-virginity story doesn't count as publishing a novel.

It's true. Drew is old as fuck.

This is Drew's third child.

Drew is Ice Tee and Alli is Soulja Boy: The Feud Continues!

This pretty much sums up our relationship. I'm sorry I told you to eat a dick, Alli. But your writing is GARBAGE.

We hate each other-The Beginning

you fucknig BITCH
Alli: We should start a blog about how we hate each other
Drew: sure
it involves pictures!
Alli: Using other public figures
Alli: It'd also be like the Ice Cube/Soulja Boy beef
Drew: you will beat me with concise arguments
but my natural beauty will win
Alli: and you beat me with crazy
maybe your natural whorishness
the internet loves a slut
Drew: me: the first entry will be this conversation
Drew: dopplehaters: the place for meta-bitchiness