Tuesday, July 15, 2008

I've finally figured out why ALLI is such a mean, heinous bitch

My friend, The Underminer cleared it all up for me when he ran into Alli on the street recently:
But I have to say, I am so glad I am not single these days. It looks so hard! It's unfair for someone so nice and standard as you. With your new hairdo.

Yeah, of course it's a stupid holiday, but you know, if I can level with you as a friend from back in the day, you should drop the whole "I'm so tortured" act. Leave it for, like, Jack White. It's time for you to see how much we all need love. Because once you welcome it, it'll happen, but of course happen when you least expect it, so you shouldn't, like, beg for it. You should just be more relaxed about the whole thing. Huh, I remember during that fateful "combo" night, you were screaming "Fuck everyone, I hate love!" remember? It was right after you were on the floor saying "Goo goo, gah gah I'm a baby in a diaper" and right before you ran into the bathroom and puked all over Marc Jacobs.

Awww Alli! It's okay! You'll grow out of that haircut! Or not! Either way we still love you!


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