Friday, August 1, 2008
Drew: Friend Poacher
Drew is many levels of heinous--I've made that abundantly clear. But what I've not mentioned is that Drew is a horrible friend poacher.
My best pal was visiting me a few months ago, sleeping on my ultra-comfortable couch as I lounged in my lumpy and unwelcoming bed. I woke to find her TALKING TO DREW ON THE PHONE.
Which is gross, first of all, because Drew has a very shrill voice that no one should have to listen to first thing in the morning.
But what makes it worse is that not only does Drew ruin lives and steal friends, she is also boring.
Drew: Guess what I ate today?
Friend: I don't know, what?
Drew: You're fat and ugly, and you should keep a food diary, too. I ate one apple.
Friend: You think I'm fat and ugly?
Drew: WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO MAKE THIS ABOUT YOU?
Friend: I mean, uh I'm sorry? What else happened to you today?
Drew: Didn't you hear I ate a motherfucking apple? Don't you understand how important that is? It means I'm keeping on my diet and also that I'm supporting the economy of upstate New York.
Friend: Right, sorry, you ate an apple! Way to go, Drew!
Drew: Bee Tee Dubs, I also had sex with your boyfriend.
Friend: Wait what?!
Drew: Maybe if you weren't so fat and ugly and such a bitch all the time who only thinks about herself, he wouldn't have had to look somewhere else.
Drew: Also, he said you were bad in bed.
Drew: Are you going to the show tonight? I'm on the list because I had sex with that guy in the band and he still totally wants to bone me, but I couldn't get you on, so you're going to have to pay the $20. Sorry!