Wednesday, July 30, 2008
When she gets a movie deal out of her boring memoir, she's going to use this song to lead up to the emotional climax where she realizes all she really wants is more out of life--she wants to really live and feel and be part of this world, and that the quirky young man she met on the subway might really be the only man for her, and maybe they should just get married to each other, and that's when she'll know, really know, that everything is going to turn out OK.
Alli's special talent when she menstruates is that she cries a lot and gets fatter than usual.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Ryan "No Friend of the Sea" Crest gives the Discovery Channel a run for its money.
This doesn't really pertain to Alli except in the sense that she made up that joke about Ryan's name. Do you know what that means you guys? It means she CAN be funny, she just chooses not to be.
Monday, July 28, 2008
head's up, fyi, no offense but usually it's the hot tranny mess actresses that run over regular civilians on their bicycles (remember last week?), not the other way around.
Good job running over Lindsay Lohan right when she was totally sobering up and becoming a lesbian. What, couldn't stand a little competition (ur gay)?
It was either you or Shia driving, I couldn't really tell because you both look like 13 year old boys with terrible dye-jobs.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Your new child will bring joy into your heart for years to come, until you abandon her so you can move to California to realize your dreams of becoming an "actress." (Don't let anyone tell you a little social "lubrication" won't help you get ahead!)
I get it now! You weren't fat, you were pregnant!
Friday, July 25, 2008
Tim and Eric yo.....Alli probably doesn't think it's funny because it's not a cartoon in the "New Yorker"
Alli probably loved the Robocop sequels by default because she thinks anything Frank Miller touches turns into penises that cum gold bars. Gross. She is probably looking forward to that sequel of "300".
This is ALLI:
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Here that, Drew? I'm a woman, not a boy. The Daily News says so.
And anyway, I'm just trying to avoid the beat-down life and live in a drama-free world.
alli k.: Hey did you ever read James Wood's review of white teeth?
Drew: and like the smartest guy in hollywood
According to Utah cops, ALLI K was behind the wheel last month when a car pulled up to his SUV at an intersection. After gesturing to the 22-year-old ALLI K to roll down his window, passenger Stephen Cox asked, "Excuse me, sir, do you have any Grey Poupon?" ALLI K responded, police charge, by pulling a handgun from his glove compartment, cocking the weapon, and leveling it at the prankster's auto. "Here's your Grey Poupon, roll your f***ing windows up," ALLI K said, according to a probable cause affidavit.
Man Alli K, you are a bucking fitch if you can't take a joke. Which I know you can't.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
I saw that you've been firing people, Drew. And that you cheated on your man. With a fucking Yankee. Rly?
And now, oh god, hanging out with Gweneth Paltrow.
She's like half your age. Are you having sex with her and Dennis Rodman in some unholy threesome of gross? I bet you are, you nut-job.
I think it's about time for you to take a Kabbalah vacation.
What they say is, if you have the number one movie in the world that is currently making more money than anything ever, you need to go home pronto and beat the shit out of your mom and sister. That's what Batman did, and I am sure Alli is going to take it to heart.
ROUND ONE: FIGHT!
Monday, July 21, 2008
That got me thinking.....how do I know that Alli is really Alli and not someone much cooler than Alli?
The similarities are startling:
-DMX's real name is Earl Simmons. Alli loves to sweat to the oldies with Richard Simmons.
-DMX is from Baltimore, Alli loves to talk through episodes of "The Wire" like she knows shit (she doesn't. Know Shit)
-DMX was arrested for animal cruelty charges, I know for a fact that Alli neglects her pussy (zing? gross)
Sunday, July 20, 2008
I hate Drew. I don't want anyone for even a second to think that I don't hate Drew, but my cold hard was warmed by this Gawker story, involving Keith Gessen, a man I don't know but hate maybe even more than I hate Drew (Why do people write boring books? Why do they get famous for it?), the Gawker staff, a bunch of charities, and some guy who hangs out with the Gawker staff. Oh god I'm being boring. I've been spending too much time talking to Drew. Anyway, I liked this:
The outcome of our saga: An $890 donation to the New York Homeless Coaliton; The opportunity for even more charity, if Krucoff is able to convince the small, effete sliver of New York society that would actually desire to own this obscure volume to come out to a soup kitchen benefit next week; And, most importantly, an odd and short-lived sense of unity among fake enemies on the fake internet arguing about fake writing and stuff, which is how we sum up the culture war.
Never again say that Keith Gessen hasn't accomplished something good.
It reminded me of the time Drew let me have an orange soda, let me pay her, then told me it was "on the house" and pocketed the tip. For a moment, it was almost as though she had done something good and sweet.
It also reminds me of how boring and similar I find Keith Gessen and Drew*, and how Drew's only hope for fame and fortune is that somewhere there are a coupla douchebags that like how boring she is.
Drew: so hey what do you think of musicals?
Alli: I'm pro
I haven't seen Dr. Horrible yet
drew: damn it
i was going to use your negative attitude as jumping point to link to Dr. Horrible in the blog
Drew: ALLI SUCKS!
DR. HORRIBLE'S SING-ALONG BLOG
Friday, July 18, 2008
In this analogy, I am Tony Stark.
SO SOWWY ALLI!
Drew told everyone waiting in line "Isn't it a shame about Harvey Dent," which isn't a spoiler but is almost a spoiler and MAKES EVERYONE UNCOMFORTABLE, DREW.
Then she spent the whole movie blowing every 14-year-old boy in the theater, including the ones with girlfriends, because she's a homewrecker and she ruins everyone's good time.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
A badly decomposed body that has apparently been there "for several months" was found in the shed of McCarren pool today. This was right after a screening of "The Virigin Suicides" and now all the hipsters are probably really sad because the DJ Shadow show this weekend might be canceled.
Similarly, Alli was a total buzzkill at our college, which was like a giant McCarren pool party in the middle of Ohio. Plus, every time you'd get a whiff of her you'd be like "that's funny I smell a decomposing body" and then you'd blanch because it would turn out that Alli and her decrepit cooz were right behind you.
PS- Alli, the website for McCarren Pool is totally your team.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Drew is the Jesse Jackson to my Obama:
The Bill Clinton to my Hillary:
The John McCain to my John McCain:
But it is unlikely Drew will understand what I'm saying, as 1) She is dumb and 2) The instant she sees or hears her own name, she is reminded of her own tenuous existence and is compelled to take 30 pictures of herself.
Alli sometimes reminds me of Andy Dick. I was shocked when I once caught Alli in the arms of another man (MY MAN) since she spent so much time calling me a whore that I just assumed that any display of normal sexuality scared her back to her Slater-Kinney hole. Like Andy, Alli's surprise foray into heterosexuality was painful, hilarious, and not a little bit nauseating to imagine.
Alli is just as baffling and annoying as a question about whether you should make something hybrid when it's not a car.
Then Burr shot Hamilton in the face, and Hamilton died, but now people only remember Burr as the guy who shot Hamilton, while people remember that Hamilton is on cash money.
This video reminds me of the relationship Alli and I have. Not just because she is always repressing me and making me act like her SLAVE, but also because I am a trim, beautiful black woman and Alli starred in "Foot Fist Way" as this guy:
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
But I have to say, I am so glad I am not single these days. It looks so hard! It's unfair for someone so nice and standard as you. With your new hairdo.
Yeah, of course it's a stupid holiday, but you know, if I can level with you as a friend from back in the day, you should drop the whole "I'm so tortured" act. Leave it for, like, Jack White. It's time for you to see how much we all need love. Because once you welcome it, it'll happen, but of course happen when you least expect it, so you shouldn't, like, beg for it. You should just be more relaxed about the whole thing. Huh, I remember during that fateful "combo" night, you were screaming "Fuck everyone, I hate love!" remember? It was right after you were on the floor saying "Goo goo, gah gah I'm a baby in a diaper" and right before you ran into the bathroom and puked all over Marc Jacobs.
Awww Alli! It's okay! You'll grow out of that haircut! Or not! Either way we still love you!
My boyfriend, "Scott," and I are writers, although we both have day jobs. During the two years we've been together, we have always supported each other's writing careers.
Things changed after my first novel was published. While initially congratulatory, Scott's behavior was different as the publication date neared. He declined to help my friend throw me a party. When I spotted my book on the shelf of a bookstore for the first time, he chided me to keep my voice down. My novel has now been out for months, but he still hasn't read it. (I gave him one of my free copies.)What Drew leaves out is that I'm not her boyfriend or even actually a boy, and that photocopying a long account of her extraordinarily boring loss-of-virginity story doesn't count as publishing a novel.
Scott is a talented writer. He has been published in literary magazines, but hasn't yet published a book. I sympathize with his jealousy and have tried to keep talk of my novel to a minimum. But I'm troubled by Scott's refusal to participate in this exciting period of my life ... Abby, what gives?
This pretty much sums up our relationship. I'm sorry I told you to eat a dick, Alli. But your writing is GARBAGE.
you fucknig BITCH
Alli: We should start a blog about how we hate each other
it involves pictures!
Alli: Using other public figures
Alli: It'd also be like the Ice Cube/Soulja Boy beef
Drew: you will beat me with concise arguments
but my natural beauty will win
Alli: and you beat me with crazy
maybe your natural whorishness
the internet loves a slut
Drew: me: the first entry will be this conversation
Drew: dopplehaters: the place for meta-bitchiness